Dear whatever-the-fuck-you-are,

Thank you for your entertaining spam. And thank you for getting my details from the whois database. I'm sure this will be the start of a prosperous and loving relationship.

I'm not sure what the libelous or defamatory content is that you are referring to, as you have provided the URL of a comments page on my humble little blog. Your knowledge of the Internet seems to not extend to understanding the nature of blogs comments, which of course are not written by me.

If the defamation you are talking of in your feebly frivolous legal threat is found in the line (penned by myself) "Real Life is probably my favourite (the worst) track" then I have some news for you Mr./Mrs. Immaculate Records...

Firstly I am not located in North America so good luck trying to prosecute me (for what I'm not sure). Secondly, the blog post and subsequent comments are hardly defamatory or libellous and I suggest you consult a legal dictionary or better yet, a lawyer before levelling threats at me via email. The illustrate my point, an example of the libel might be something like "Curtis Newart seduces domesticated animals for purposes of sexual self-gratification". Surely the innocuous comments on my blog fall far short of this.
But who am I to say? I'm just a dude with an opinion and a blog.

Oh, and did you forget about the basic human right to freedom of speech and opinion? If you are so paranoid of press that adversely mentions your shitty label's artists I would suggest sending similar threats to every music reviewer on the net, and every myspace account holder. Or better yet you could sign artists who aren't totally shithouse to avoid this kind of thing in the future. Remember, you put this shit on the net, so be prepared for the public's response, good or bad.

Also, if you feel like sending any more correspondence please put your institution's mailing address on the document. Then my lawyer will know where to send the notices informing you of pending legal actions for harassment and bills for the server space required to house your funny emails. In the meantime, I will be using your My email to wipe my arse after taking a shit while listening to the crap on Curtis' myspace page.

I'll send you a link soon to where you can read many more scathing accounts of Curtis' shit music, published alongside your retarded emails.

Fuck you very much,
Richard Baron aka Saqun aka Pezboy

Oh yawn Curtis/Myspace underlings... really.

Forthwith and hitherto you can take your emails and inherently flawed legal suckcockings and go shaft yourself with them in hard copy.

Where do I begin? Firstly, you want me to delete my blog ("remove any and all defamatory blogs")? Tsk tsk. Methinks my web host, Wordpress, and the blogosphere wouldn't be happy with this demand. At least you've stopped CC'ing Wordpress as it's probably dawned on you that the blogging community is in ideological opposition to your fascist cause.

But if that's not enough... you also want me to delete all blog comments and forum posts relating to Curtis! Whoa, that's a big one. I mean, I understand the Internets were envisioned as a gloryhole for Curtis' attention whoring self-styled "hottie sensation" image, but really... it would be difficult for me to track down all the forum comments I've made. I mean there are so many emo-pop-gaycore forums I go on to talk about the C, it's just not feasible.

Oh, and were not in fucking China.

In our respective regions Freedom of Speech and Opinion are highly valued as basic human rights. And people seem to be exercising those rights! Just Google "Curtis Newart" and you can see all the real life people talking about Curtis, and real reviews of real shows. Or maybe not. Maybe all you see is a bunch of other suss looking Myspace profiles belonging to equally vaporous tards.

Please though, allow me to deconstruct a little further.

Your emails have little commercial value, but lots of comedic value, thus with no potential for either of us to economically benefit from your correspondence, please consider the fact that I will keep-a-publishin' 'em, as long as you keep being a dick and sending them. People aware of this situation don't seem to like your impersonal attempts to suppress my negative yet entirely legal opinions of Curtis, and when talking to me about it they mention strangely similar things like "freedom of speech" "but it's a blog" and "fucktard". As with your music, the consensus is negative - accept it.

And the remixing thing... Sure, I'm no Johnny Thumper, Stanley Bradley or Club Remix but I see you let them put their little Fruity-Loopsy-Reasony-tinny-native-processing spin on your "playful techno pop" masterpieces. Why not me?

Lastly, thanks for reporting me to my "Internet service provider". Your highly skilled legal team must have meant my friendly and informative web host, Neureal. They are really nice people and you are annoying them and their customers.

Hear from you soon, no doubt.
Whatever.